"Smart people don't like me!"

Across the country, people grouped into enormous crowds. Congregating beyond the millions, these people are displeased by the current administration and believe the king must go. No one wants a Nazi-loving rapist in office. Rumors of the president reading a biography on Hitler nightly are well-circulated throughout the nation. No wonder he had chosen a space-obsessed Nazi who just wanted to play with rockets as his unofficial hubby. They wanted to read Hitler biographies toge

October is the month of spookiness and hauntings, but racists are celebrating a dead racist. Low-and-behold, tomorrow is a “new holiday,” and the creeps in office have declared it, “National Day of Remembrance for Charlie Kirk.” Comparing their dead “martyr” to MLK Jr., the watered-down Nazis are reveling in their own spite. And King Cheeto is jerking off to the chaos. Who cares if the King of Fast Food said we had too many holidays? As long as we celebrate Nazis, now! Who ca

Combating the officers in Portland, a frog stands tall, glaring deep into their eyes. Spraying him with peppery gas, the officers were unnerved by his calm demeanor. He laughed in their faces, inhaling the fumes of that which fuels him. He's had much spicier food than their gas. He is green, he is silent, and he consumes all things spice. Peppers and chilis run deep within him, turning the very breath that escapes his air into flames. So, watch out, ICE! He may just be able t

Claiming he isn't American, MAGA is shitting bricks finding out a Puerto Rican singer is performing at the Super Bowl LX halftime show. And the biggest turd goes to none other than King Cheeto. Knowing all too well who the singer is, for he has spent many moons dancing his villainous shuffle to the singer’s Spanish lyrics in secret, he cried out in anger. Upset that the sexy Latin singer doesn’t like him, the fast food enthusiast pretended to not know who the singer was. The

A whiny orange man with the smallest of hands went before the world leaders at the United Nations in New York and shouted, “Your countries are going to Hell!” Most of these leaders are running nations that are older than the United States of America, nations that have been through many conflicts in the past. What right did a short American, who looked like a wrinkled Cheeto, have that he felt he could criticize the policies of other countries? Well, having bankrupted many bus

From bear meat to unknown meat, there is nothing in the world this man won't consume. Missing the parasites that ate part of his brain, he is trying to make a new friend. One can see him lurking in the woods, looking for roadkill to fill that hole in his head. Like a zombie walking in the night, he is on an endless hunt to consume raw flesh. No animal is safe, not even human. Lock your doors, he may be right around the corner. Don't let his environmental talk lure you in, he

Claiming to be Jewish but his family does not claim him as one, there exists a man who hates Hispanics with a passion. It all goes back to when he was in middle school. He had high hopes for his childhood crush, a brilliant Brazilian-American mathlete. He would often imagine their future together. He had his entire life planned. He wanted to work as a CEO at a bank, and she would become his wedded maid. Unable to eat rice because of a weak stomach and having an IQ lower than

Due to the county's frugalness and lack of care for its people, the county has parted ways with the City of Tallahassee due to rising service fees for fire service. "We have three years to come up with alternative solutions to provide safe, reliable, and most importantly, affordable fire services for unincorporated Leon County," said Leon County Commissioner Christian Caban. But does the county really have its residents' best interests at heart? In an economy with constantly

A local university student approached another student for wearing an IDF shirt (Israel Defense Force) on July 30th. It began as a conversation and a light touch on the shoulder but whirled into a case of discomfort, bringing forth criminal charges against the shoulder rapist. How dare one student question another student's pro-Israel shirt on an American campus. We are now doing fascism on college campuses in Florida. Get with the program. A bystander was confused by this ord