Bad Bunny's Secret Admirer

Claiming he isn't American, MAGA is shitting bricks finding out a Puerto Rican singer is performing at the Super Bowl LX halftime show. And the biggest turd goes to none other than King Cheeto. Knowing all too well who the singer is, for he has spent many moons dancing his villainous shuffle to the singer’s Spanish lyrics in secret, he cried out in anger. Upset that the sexy Latin singer doesn’t like him, the fast food enthusiast pretended to not know who the singer was.

The King of Fools stated, "I never heard of him, I don't know who he is, I don't know why they're doing it, it's like crazy. And then they blame it on some promoter that they hired to pick up entertainment. I think it's absolutely ridiculous.” He continued his Cheeto-infused rant after huffing from old age. "And while we're at it, I'd like them to change the kickoff rule, which looks ridiculous. Where the ball is kicked and the ball is floating in the air and everyone's standing there watching it. It's ridiculous.” As everyone imagined the King’s foolish words about air-ball, and before anyone could bring the dementia patient home, he then said, "It's not any safer than the regular kickoff. I think it just looks so terrible. I think it really demeans football, to be honest with you. It's a great game, but it demeans football. Do you know what I mean by that, the kickoff rule, the new kickoff rule? It's ridiculous."

I get it, MAGA. I’d be upset too if the peak of my culture were Nazi salutes and women in their twenties that look fifty. Yikes! Maybe you should focus on your own celebrities and tell them to ease off the implants. Unlike Korea, you guys certainly don’t know how to do cosmetic surgery very well. Now, stop shitting bricks and go get that Pumpkin Spice Latte you’ve been waiting all year for. Also, you should really consult a doctor. Shitting bricks isn’t healthy.  

But before you run off to go play victim in Trumpland, say it with me, “Puerto Rico is part of America.”

Disclaimer: I, a Latina, love Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Shocker.