"Smart people don't like me!"

Combating the officers in Portland, a frog stands tall, glaring deep into their eyes. Spraying him with peppery gas, the officers were unnerved by his calm demeanor. He laughed in their faces, inhaling the fumes of that which fuels him. He's had much spicier food than their gas. He is green, he is silent, and he consumes all things spice. Peppers and chilis run deep within him, turning the very breath that escapes his air into flames. So, watch out, ICE! He may just be able t

I run the social media pages for TBN, while the others just sit on their asses, doing whatever the fuck they do. I never thought I’d end up running the social media accounts for a fucked-up satire news group. Shit, I really wish I’d got that degree in marketing, maybe I’d be working for a respectable company. Anyway, I was doing my thing, and then I get a fucking email from Ghoulie asking me to tone it down on social media and stop trolling people. She thinks I’m being “offen

Claiming he isn't American, MAGA is shitting bricks finding out a Puerto Rican singer is performing at the Super Bowl LX halftime show. And the biggest turd goes to none other than King Cheeto. Knowing all too well who the singer is, for he has spent many moons dancing his villainous shuffle to the singer’s Spanish lyrics in secret, he cried out in anger. Upset that the sexy Latin singer doesn’t like him, the fast food enthusiast pretended to not know who the singer was. The

This is a developing story. On a Monday evening In Cranford, New Jersey, two seventeen-year-old girls—Maria Niotis and Isabella Salas—were killed in a hit-and-run at 5:30 p.m. Going 70 miles an hour, Vincent Battiloro, a seventeen-year-old MAGA and Charlie Kirk fan, struck the two girls while they were on their e-bikes. Admiring degenerates like Andrew Tate, who is undergoing his own investigation of human trafficking, it is no surprise to find out that Battiloro had sent Nio

You’ve heard about them; you’ve seen them in the wild. They are so loud and obnoxious they annoy their own party. Introducing: MAGA. Claiming to be a patriot of America, they go around calling everyone who dares question them all Democrats. Though, many of the people who don’t like them are other Republicans, libertarians, moderates, and other third parties. Splitting their party, throwing punches, the right wing of politics has become a blood-fest. Dividing into groups, the

America has a history of enslavement and social wrongs. And through these atrocities, men and women fought for the freedom of those who were forcefully shackled. These abolitionists were so against the sin of slavery that most of them died for it. In order to fight the current corruption—that we call an administration—we must visit the past. This time, we are focusing on one man whose name should be a hot topic in every household in this country. People need to be aware of th

Ah, Tallahassee, the capital city of Florida—known for its trees and diversity. But don’t let that fool you. Peace can easily be disrupted, and we have two known hate groups hiding in our city: Moms for Liberty and No Left Turn in Education. Well, they are not that hidden as they are tracked hate groups according to The Southern Poverty Law Center: https://www.splcenter.org/hate-map/ Moms for Liberty is a group of extreme intolerant Karens who are displeased with the school

In a clear display of rivalry, two Jewish groups are going head-to-head in Florida, trying to outdo each other. On one side, you have the extremist pro-Israel organization, JewBelong, trying to lecture how everyone who is not pro-Israel is antisemitic. In 2018, its founder said Gaza is “full of monsters” and that it was “time to burn the whole place.” On the other side, you have antifascist Jews who are promoting the freedom of Palestine. Fixing the wordage on their billboard

In Florida, we love our freedom—or we used to. Anyone can technically arrest a law official if they are witnessing the officer committing a felony. Now, I am not telling everyone to go out and arrest all police officers who are performing arrests. But the last time I checked kidnapping people off the street is a felony in Florida. And that is exactly what ICE agents have been doing.   Often covering their faces while yanking helpless old ladies into their cars without identif

Do this. Do that. No, like this, Sage. LIKE THIS. It never ends. Here I am trying to get this crappy online newspaper off the ground with two batshit insane writers, who I suspect are unemployed, with a boss that has control issues like no other. Don't get me started on this "secret boss." I've never met them, but Ghoulie Girl and Raven Poe swear they're legit. Why the hell am I trusting two strangers I met online in a game forum? God damn it. I bet you the boss won't publish